I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
