Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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