Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
