there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
