Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize