I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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