They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
