So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
