Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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