He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
