Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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