Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Randomize
