We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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