Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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