He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
