dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
