Are we in a gay sports bar?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
