Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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