He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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