I looked at my own cervix.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
