its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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