Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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