you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
