Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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