shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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