Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
