I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
