I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
