But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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