i think i have two assholes
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
