If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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