I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
