I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
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Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
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Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?