so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
