I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
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just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
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He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?