Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong