I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
