I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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