saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
