Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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