so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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