I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
