wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
