Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
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if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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