Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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