Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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