I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
