I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
