I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
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