Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
