He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
