I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
