I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I could make wine with my vomit
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
