sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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