So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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