I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
