Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
