Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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