God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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