I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
