tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
