I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
