This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
