Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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