there's paper in my vomit.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
