I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
