Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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