That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
