I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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